How Death Got Me To Disconnect To Reconnect
My screen has been switched off for three months, after death came into my life last year and forced me to disconnect, to reconnect. Within two months, three people in my circle passed away - and I do not claim in any way to feel the same shock or grief as their spouses or children, but with their passing, I was still managed to be knocked off my projectory. And with the force that this universe has, if there was any doubt I was being called elsewhere, ( right back to the very present moment, right here, right now, exploring a energy as old as life itself) I had the “blessing” that my laptop broke three days after my first friend died. It took Mac over one month to get it back to me, in which time I had felt like I was missing an arm… My laptop is integral to my work and projects, and without I was left feeling at a loss of what to do, on top of the strange haze that comes after seeing a friend pass. Until like any addiction, I came through my withdrawals of being attached to my work and found a new sense of peace and depth in the very simple things that make up my life. Rather then teaching myself with my work, I was being taught - by the lessons that come with death.
Only a matter of weeks later, my second, very close soul-sister passed away suddenly - and bizarrely enough, again just days later, my laptop broke. I closed the screen, handed it to Mac and knew intimately that I was not to be distracted from being in the very present, in my body with those who needed me. This time it was easy to let it go. This time there was no questioning. And this time my soul-children were right there, hearts broken open and my one calling was to be LOVE.
I slowed down in my yoga practise and relished exploring old postures I had long become blase with and trying out new ones that pushed my boundaries.
I relished the conversations in passing with those at the school gate, in the local shops, in my small but beautiful community, that often get rushed as we hurry to get to our next destination.
I went into the kitchen to play with new tastes and smells and cooked for the pleasure of it, rather than needing to.
I paid attention to my breath whenever I could throughout my days, especially when around my children and my soul-children who had lost their mother. Because I found when I breathed deeper with awareness, I could sense their unspoken needs much m0re easily.
It was the moments “in-between” that became highlighted and I realised I had been placing too much emphasis on the bigger picture cards, making the “smaller” pieces ( those things that really make up our life) become faded and under-appreciated. As John Lennon sang in one of my all-time favourite songs, “Life is what happens to you when your busy making other plans.”
With death comes many lessons, and with age I have witnessed too many of my dear friends having lost their life partners, their siblings, their children... breaking us open. I am in constant awe at the courage and vulnerability all my friends have dealt with their losses... and I am in deep gratitude to have been able to share and learn from their journeys....from our journey...
Little pieces I learnt with the losses last year....
There was witnessing the bodies of loved ones, no longer carrying their spirits. So peaceful. So empty. And such a stark reminder that while we must care for this one and only vessel we are given, and honour it with gratitude and care but there is no point being attached to it, because IT IS NOT US.
There is the space they leave, the void of their presence - of just being. It is not our achievements or our bank balance that decide our value or worth. All the people I love, I love for their hearts and souls - FOR JUST BEING THEM. We are enough and valuable, just as we are.
There was the hard reality check that I am - and those I love - are also mortal and that everything can change in an instant. So BREATHE it all in - right now - and LOVE it up. This is the only chance you will have to experience THIS moment - so squeeze your children and PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE, laugh with your friends, do the crazy things you have dreamed of - and do it because your heart calls you to, not because you "should".
And then there is the navigation of a new normal after losing a loved one. A new way of being when we must grieve what once was. The children around me are so gracefully showing me what it takes, and how different the road is for all of us... most importantly I have learnt that it is in expression, that comes the most letting go and ability to move through...and that there is NO MOVING THROUGH, WITHOUT MOVING THROUGH. You can not bypass your feelings, you can not shut them out and lock them away...Grief is a medicine in itself and its purpose is to be expressed; it must be allowed its voice. Through it healing can take place, transformation can take place and by truely feeling it we are ultimately connecting with the love we had for the person we have lost.
MOST of all. In the end, LOVE is the answer... Cheesy I know. But that is really what it comes down to. That's what I care about in my life; with people, with the earth, with thoughts, with action - love. When it is done with love, then that's connecting....
SO I open my laptop again this week with a new approach to my "work". My heart has been cracked open , I have cried deeply and I feel like my whole self has been shifted....